ive been trying to find ways of being positive about myself, i dont talk about this very often, so those who read this just keep quiet an listen...
so i have low self esteem, i dont have low confidence as such, i know that cos im not shy with people and to be perfectly honest im probably more of a flirt than even i realise. but i dont like myself. i hate my looks, in fact looking in a mirror very easily reduces me to tears. i know im probably sounding like an attention seeker, well im not, in fact its very likely ill read this tommorrow and delete it, and i dont particulary want people telling me what i think is wrong, thats been done, and it just makes me feel like a compliment seeker, which im not. this make sense? i dont like the way i look, my feeling go from maybe im okish to those of wishing i didnt have to be seen in public. even with a bag on my head. but why? i think is because i see the uglyness inside too. ive got bad things in my past which seem to crawl out of my skin when i look in a mirror. "dont let them effect me, its in the past, whats done is done" all well and good but i feel ugly and weak, im glad about the way i feel, cos i'd hate the illlusion of my self worth to be broken and feel it tumble away. i feel embarrassed when im complimented, part of me is pleased and the other half is disgusted with being pleased. im also not insecure, recently i have found i do actually matter to people, and that has never really been an issue with me before, im also not depressed, ive been there and come back.
basically i dont know why i feel like that but right now im on a mission to explore it. i dont want to change it, im happy enough hating me right now, because i know where i stand, im clean and presentable, i have no reason to compete with anyone in the looks department, and my weight and i enjoy the freindly chocolate bar war.
it wont change how i feel about me, i hope no one else will and i dont intend to, maybe one day i will, but till then i except my self hating, because its about more than looks, its true im my own worst enemy, im my greatest critic, probably my own bully and i embody most of my greatest fears, so where do i start a positive journey from? do i want to start that journey? part of me is disgusted with the idea, the idea of wanting to like myself seems fundemently wrong from my angle. suppose im trying to say that i know i put myself down a lot, and i get very self concious about peoples view of me, more than my looks but of my whole personality. i feel like a slightly poorly made product. but i also am OK. so people can except my selfimposedcrapgiving without trying to change me, because im aware of it and it not an issue requiring tackling right now.
so this doesnt go much in hand with how i started this post. well i dont know why... and no im not feeling even slightly hormonal.
it may not read particularly positive but there we go, to me it is very positive, and i couldnt tell you why.
so i have low self esteem, i dont have low confidence as such, i know that cos im not shy with people and to be perfectly honest im probably more of a flirt than even i realise. but i dont like myself. i hate my looks, in fact looking in a mirror very easily reduces me to tears. i know im probably sounding like an attention seeker, well im not, in fact its very likely ill read this tommorrow and delete it, and i dont particulary want people telling me what i think is wrong, thats been done, and it just makes me feel like a compliment seeker, which im not. this make sense? i dont like the way i look, my feeling go from maybe im okish to those of wishing i didnt have to be seen in public. even with a bag on my head. but why? i think is because i see the uglyness inside too. ive got bad things in my past which seem to crawl out of my skin when i look in a mirror. "dont let them effect me, its in the past, whats done is done" all well and good but i feel ugly and weak, im glad about the way i feel, cos i'd hate the illlusion of my self worth to be broken and feel it tumble away. i feel embarrassed when im complimented, part of me is pleased and the other half is disgusted with being pleased. im also not insecure, recently i have found i do actually matter to people, and that has never really been an issue with me before, im also not depressed, ive been there and come back.
basically i dont know why i feel like that but right now im on a mission to explore it. i dont want to change it, im happy enough hating me right now, because i know where i stand, im clean and presentable, i have no reason to compete with anyone in the looks department, and my weight and i enjoy the freindly chocolate bar war.
it wont change how i feel about me, i hope no one else will and i dont intend to, maybe one day i will, but till then i except my self hating, because its about more than looks, its true im my own worst enemy, im my greatest critic, probably my own bully and i embody most of my greatest fears, so where do i start a positive journey from? do i want to start that journey? part of me is disgusted with the idea, the idea of wanting to like myself seems fundemently wrong from my angle. suppose im trying to say that i know i put myself down a lot, and i get very self concious about peoples view of me, more than my looks but of my whole personality. i feel like a slightly poorly made product. but i also am OK. so people can except my selfimposedcrapgiving without trying to change me, because im aware of it and it not an issue requiring tackling right now.
so this doesnt go much in hand with how i started this post. well i dont know why... and no im not feeling even slightly hormonal.
it may not read particularly positive but there we go, to me it is very positive, and i couldnt tell you why.
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